Things you didn't want to know, but I'm telling you anyways.

I had a dream the other night, and it went a little something like this.

There was a group of us hanging around; and by us I mean myself, the Man, and some random friends of ours. At one point we were all in some big ballroom...then it switched to the beach, at night, with a bonfire.

Breast implants seemed to be the centerpoint of the gathering, and I decided to get some. In this dream the process seemed pretty simple, with little recovery time. So why not, right? It also wasn't very expensive. Plus, to add to the simplicity, the room where the surgeries were taking place was more like a floor covered by a big tent, with nice cots set up. It was on the beach, and if you weren't getting your boobs done you could hang out in beach chairs on the sand, with cocktails. Quite a party, I know.

The Man and I were deciding between a C cup or D cup. Thinking that a D cup would be too drastic a change from my current size (small B) I decided on the C cup and proceeded to a cot to wait for the Dr. The person performing the surgeries turned out to be Kevin, a guy who bartended at the first place I waitressed on St. Thomas. Why not, right? He brought out some pillowy bags to show me the difference between C and D, and I stuck with the C (after an approved nod from the Man, who could see me from his beach chair). Kevin told me to lay down and he'd be right back with my implants.

Here's where it gets weird. When he came back the bags he was holding were filled with some squishy greenish liquid.

I asked him, "Is that silicone? Or saline?"

"No", he said, "it's liquid aluminum."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, "is that safe?"

He didn't really have an answer for that, and I got off the cot to go talk to the Man.

"Honey, the implants are filled with liquid aluminum, do you think that's safe?"

"Um," he said, sipping his drink, "I don't know."

"Well, I don't want to risk them popping inside of me and dying as a result."

He agreed, "You're probably right, don't bother getting them."

I went back to Kevin and told him I was going to pass. He showed me how strong the packs were and told me a puncture was probably not going to happen - but I was not persuaded, and passed on the implants.

And then I woke up.